As part of my daytime job, I often have to appear on TV. And, no, it’s not on any of the more interesting mainstream programs such as MTV or ESPN, talking about celebrities or sports.
On the contrary, I get invited to appear on bat-shit boring ones such as Bloomberg or CNBC, talking about crap that I have not the faintest ideas on, but get asked anyway to enlighten people who know even less.
In my younger and more self-obsessed days, I used to record these shows and get very excited about seeing my ugly mug on TV. Gradually, however, the novelty has worn off and I now groan audibly whenever I get the call to go on air. Not only is the preparation required tiresome but my appearance is becoming equally so.
Firstly, I am always expected to wear a tie when I go on these programs – something that I dread doing because it always feels like a fucking noose around the neck. The wearing of a tie also makes me feel much older than I would like to think I am, and unconsciously forces me into a different persona – one that speaks with a lower voice and higher-syllable words. It all feels so unnatural that my wife and friends often tease me by saying: “What’s the matter with you? You sound so strange and wooden on TV!”
Part of the reason for that also is because, if not careful, I’m afraid I may turn these programs from G-rated to R-rated ones. As a rather crude character by nature, my normal mode of verbal expression is with the help of a myriad of inappropriate words. ‘Asswipe’, ‘dipshit’, ‘what the fuck’ and “who the hell’ are the bedrock of my vocabulary – one that is unlikely to be well-received by the conservative audience that watches these programs. And as most of my media appearances are conducted live, it adds further pressure on me to ‘behave’ and watch what I say. That can be quite stressful, particularly with an asswipe tie strangling my neck while being interviewed by a dipshit host.
Then there’s the environment of these TV studios. To begin with, what the fuck is with the lighting? There is so much halogen rays shining in front of the cameras that I always feel like I’m being roasted alive. It doesn’t help that sometimes I get asked impromptu to go on air, not long after having returned from a run or the gym. What then happens is that, there I am, still heating up from the exercise, and yet being subjected to further excurciating glare from the lights. And the freaking tie! That certainly doesn’t help in ventilating my body temperature, especially when I’m also wearing a suit jacket on top!
Furthermore, instead of dipshit hosts, I sometimes get interviewed by extremely attractive female presenters wearing things that are often low cut, both at the top and at the bottom. As you can imagine, that does nothing to cool me down either!
A couple of times, I was kindly offered some powder for the face. The first time this happened, my response to the make-up girl was: “What the hell do I do with this?”
She replied: “Oh, you can use it to mat your skin.”
Before I could say “mat my what now?“, she proceeded to dab my face with this cream-coloured looking thing with a little soft round pad. I felt pretty silly until I looked around and saw both the female and the male presenter doing the same to themselves! I then burst out laughing, and could hardly contain myself even when the camera started rolling.
I have this devious dream to, one day, turn up to one of these TV appearances wearing just my exercise gear after a 10km run in 35 degree-celsius heat. With sweat pouring down my face, I would begin my answer to each question with: “Fuck, it’s hot in here!“, then shake my head side-to-side vigorously like a dog trying to dry himself, spraying the hosts with my sweat. Then I would answer the question like nothing is wrong, using a lower voice and higher-syllable words, all while patting my face with the cream-coloured powdery thing.
Now, wouldn’t that drive the ratings through the roof?!
Keep on pounding.
please do it!
Seriously… you kind of have to now dude!
Dipshit is one of my favourite words… I have to be careful too though, I’m a teacher, and it’s kind of frowned-upon to call a student a dipshit or a dillhole (or on one memorable occasion on an outward-bound course, a fuck-mook)
A fuck mook? That’s a good one and it’s going straight into my carefully-honed vocabulary!
You don’t have to debate people, do you? Those talking head debate shows are awful.
No, not really. If I wanted to debate, I’d go home and do so with the wife and kids … and lose!
Haha, that’s why I don’t watch those shows- I get enough of that already!
Please let your devious dream come true someday…please!
I will – when that day comes when I truly don’t give a flying f$&k anymore! 🙂
My husband watches cnbc all day long. He’s probably seen you and maybe even called you a dipshit to the screen 😉
I’m sure he did madam, I’m sure he did! 🙂
I’m impressed with your status in society! Not even the sweat and body odor and foul language can deter my star struck reaction:). I’m going to start watching this stations. It will probably take all my time up questioning….Is that him? I bet that’s him! No, that’s the one there! 🙂
Thanks madam but please don’t spend any time watching those channels. I wasn’t joking when I said they’re bat shit boring!
Ha, I haven’t given much thought to the heat of the lights combined with the heat after a workout and the hotness of a host. Too funny.
Sometimes, though, the hotness of the host is the only draw card to turning up to these things. 🙂
I would pay good money to see you drop the f-bomb on CNBC. 🙂
I’ll start taking bids – if the amount is sufficiently large, I’ll drop a couple of f-bombs – heck, I will drop a F-atomic barrage!
hahahahhah seeing a whole other side of you here LOL…love it.
Mmm, come to think of it, maybe I talked about myself too much in this one! 🙂
nahhhhh not too much at all 🙂
I do a lot of public speaking also, though mine is usually in a seminar style setting. There is *always* that one question that makes me want to say, “You know how they say there is no such thing as a dumb question? They were wrong.” Now I will want to end it with, ‘They were wrong, dipshit.”
I know very well there are dumb questions – I am the grandmaster of them!
I love this post! I am crude by nature, too, so when you were talking about the things you constantly have to stop yourself from saying, I was laughing out loud. I’m right there with you! Thta’s why blogging is so fun, especially when done anonymously. You can say the things that pop up in your head that you don’t necessarily get to say in real life! Haha
We should click just fine. In fact, some of my best blogging pals are also pretty crude, so one big crude, trashy family we are!!!
Bloomberg eh? I wonder if you know my brother? He works in Finance in Sydney and also does some TV spots for those types of shows. I bet you guys cross paths…
I’m sure we have, especially as we go around the revolving doors of guests that these channels have on rotations!